Greg Krehbiel
But which third?
by Greg Krehbiel on 27 January 2012
This article is from The Onion, which is a parody site. It is not for real.
It’s still funny. (In a sick way.)
I’m just going to level with you—the earth’s carrying capacity will no longer be able to keep up with population growth, and civilization will end unless large swaths of human beings are killed, so the question is: How do we want to do this?
2012-01-27 » Greg Krehbiel
27 January 2012 @ 2:57 pm
But ‘how’ is right. I don’t think we’re going to get 2 billion volunteers. Two world wars didn’t make a dent and we are getting too good at controlling disease. That bird flu sure was a disappointment. Harold Camping’s biblical math can’t be relied on and I’m having doubts about the Mayan calendar.
All we really have is the zombie apocalypse. However, we can’t wait for the virus the develop naturally. Now that the world’s scientists are in agreement, maybe they could jumpstart the event. One patient zero per continent should do it. That seems fair. And no cheating. No working on an anti-dote until one-third of planet has been eaten.
27 January 2012 @ 5:45 pm
Step 1: Give everyone poison and written instructions on making the antidote.
Step 2: Capitol punishment for people who enter doorways and stop.
Shall I go on?
28 January 2012 @ 10:32 am
Given that #1 seems to be about making literacy a requirement, it’s kind of funny that #2 misspells “Capital” as “Capitol”, making it sound like the punishment is that people be sent to Congress..
Maybe the instructions should be phonetic?
(I once spelled “know” as “no” in an email to pentamom. *shudder* I guess deep enough in my brain words are just sounds..)
28 January 2012 @ 7:55 pm
OK, but if part of the instructions were to prepare a 0.5 “normul” solution, I think I could still follow them.
28 January 2012 @ 9:07 pm
So the line between survival and death is drawn on the first day of grade 10 chemistry? How, er, entirely unexpected!
28 January 2012 @ 11:31 pm
Did I pick on you for that, DSM? If so, it was only because such an amusing flaw in such near-perfection irresistibly provokes a reponse. But you’ll notice I don’t even recall the incident.
29 January 2012 @ 10:07 am
That’s not really what I meant. The instructions would have to be understandable without regard to any special skills, except for the ability to follow directions.
What I meant was that spelling mistakes don’t necessarily cause misunderstanding.
29 January 2012 @ 2:49 pm
Sure, spelling problems need not lead to misunderstanding. Although given the difference between, say, a sulfate and a sulfite, they certainly can.
To me, the more interesting point is that without even thinking about it, you set the criteria for life and death based upon your own experience. For example, you didn’t think “hmm.. the new world order is going to need people who are healthy, determined, can adapt to new situations, can work alone and in teams, are willing to sacrifice for the success of the group, can solve complex problems rapidly, can handle failure.. I know! Let’s test them at sports!”
I’d probably have done the same, albeit from a very different perspective. For example, I also hate it when people stop in doorways, and don’t show very much awareness of who’s near them or who will be soon enough.
Tangent: I remember once in London I was moving through a crowd very quickly — it felt like they were all in slow-motion! — and suddenly realized there was a girl, German I think, who was trying to pull her friend along through the crowd at what seemed to me to be the right speed. Reminds me of an episode of Smallville where Clark met the Flash and they saw each other at super-speed, which was like normal speed for them.
Anyway, we caught each other’s eye and I think there was a sudden glimpse of recognition, and maybe some relief, that there were at least two people in the city who knew how to walk.
29 January 2012 @ 5:31 pm
I think the directions should be in those cryptic weird pictures of people in red circles that you seem to have to have an entire brain hemisphere that I don’t have to understand….
Have you seen some of these? They try to come up with messages like “don’t retract pencils while dialing your cell phone when on this bridge in rainstorms” and put it all in a circle with stick figures.
We’d reduce the population really, really well…..
29 January 2012 @ 5:37 pm
like these – dunno if I can post pics or not…..
http://i444.photobucket.com/albums/qq168/grandmadeb_rmvx/Circle-Danger-Signs-Vector.jpg
http://s444.photobucket.com/albums/qq168/grandmadeb_rmvx/?action=view¤t=Circle-Danger-Signs-Vector.jpg